Which One Are You?

It’s February and this weather is horrifying.  Today is just an ugly day, but it’s been in the 70s.  It’s February.  This is normally the coldest month of the year in Texas.  It’s the beginning of February, but I know this is just a sign of things to come.  It’s going to be so hot this summer.  I’d rather the Rapture start than endure a summer remotely close to 2011.  I don’t want to go back to that.

The Super Bowl happened yesterday.  I love football, but I could not have cared less about the Super Bowl this year.  I didn’t even care about Beyonce, but she and her thighs rocked it.  Her thighs shut down the Superdome.

(I should have written this on Saturday to prepare you Super Bowl party goers, but I was worthless on Saturday.  After a fantastic women’s retreat with my Revamped ladies, I was exhausted.)

There are three things to do on Super Bowl Sunday:
1. Go to a Super Bowl Party
2. Watch the game at home
3. Not even realize there’s a football game on

This is for all you Super Bowl party-goers.  There are certain types of people at every Super Bowl party.  Maybe you encountered these people.  Maybe you are one of these people.  I don’t know.  These are the types of people you may encounter at Super Bowl 48.  Just helping you out for next year.

The Super Fan
The Super Fan. This guy will be sitting in the corner of the couch, eyes glued to the screen, only uttering small moans or extreme cheers when his team does well. Super Fan does not mix well with others and should be avoided -- his or her intensity can give others anxiety, stress, and a general uneasiness.

The “OMG, These Wings Are So Good” Non-Fan.
The “OMG, These Wings Are So Good” Non-Fan isn't there for the game, they're there for the eating. They aren't afraid to tell you what's good, what's bad, and what's freaking amazing. Stay near this person if you, too, are only interested in the food, for he or she has pertinent knowledge on what courses are arriving from the kitchen when, and whether or not you'll want to double up on that dollop of guac. But whatever you do, do not follow this individual on Instagram -- you don't want to relive that meal, that's for sure.

The Disgruntled Drunk Significant Other
They don't want to be there, they hate football, they only drink IPAs, and worst of all, they're vegan. Do not associate with this person, but do keep a close eye on them because by the third quarter, they're usually drunk enough to do something awesome like vomit in a plant pot, storm out in a fiery rage, or threaten to smash the TV since there's no more ice.

The “OMG, I Wish I Could Eat That” Talker
You'll spot this one right off the bat when you walk in with seven-layer dip. They usually start out with a rhetorical question about what you're eating, then say how much they love it, then they'll estimate how many calories it has, then they'll tell you how lucky you are that you're a fatty no friends who can eat crap without caring. A sample sentence: "OMG, is that seven-layer dip? I loooove seven-layer dip. What do you think, like, 400, 500 calories a serving? Ugh you are so lucky you can eat that, I'm like, trying to cut back, you know?" Avoid these people like the high-calorie plague that you are.

The Gambler
The Gambler at the party is either your best friend or worst nightmare -- they're either extremely happy or on the verge of punching a hole in the wall. Feel out what side they've put money on, then only approach if that team's winning. Otherwise, start surreptitiously removing breakable objects from their line of sight.

The Commercial Expert
The Commercial "Expert" is a guest neither to be indulged nor ignored, but simply observed. He or she is only there for the hilarious ads and will comment on the cost of the ad space and will willfully give their opinion after each commercial no matter if anyone's listening or not. They'll also become flabbergasted when someone decides to pee during the commercials because, to them, it's the most important event of the night. Watch out for high pitched squees during halftime.

The One Who Only Watches the Halftime Show
It's the end of the second quarter and this person is more excited to see the performance at half-time than the actual game. They barely know which teams are playing or what the score is, but they can tell you the entire artist lineup and each performer's set list. Then as it begins, they make everyone remain silent as they loudly sing along to the show.

The Know-It-All
There's no one more annoying than the guy at the party who constantly interjects everyone's conversations with incorrect answers and opinions about everything! All you want to do is spend time with friends, enjoy the snacks and watch the game, but this person's irritating voice makes it all pretty difficult.

The Clueless Non-Athlete
They have their game gear on and a premier spot on the couch, but they couldn't begin to tell you what a field goal or a first down is. Rather than quietly waiting to react at touchdowns, this person decides that the Super Bowl game is a perfect time to ask as many questions as they can to learn the complex game of football.

The Double Dipper
A staple element to almost every Super Bowl party is the tray with chips and dip. When you're dealing with a decent-sized crowd stretching beyond immediate family, everyone knows the Golden Rule: you must NEVER double dip...well, everyone except for the #1 Most Annoying person on this list. Double dipping is gross and therefore grounds for early (and forced) departure at any Super Bowl Party.