So You Think You've Got A Social Media Problem

I've had my fill with social media as of yesterday.  It's lost all control.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to use it because everyone else is.  Peer Pressure.  It's the best kind of peer pressure because it won't get me addicted, admitted, or pregnant.

I Digress.

What I need to happen is for all social media platforms to combine and just be one big social media bus. We're all on the same bus and we're all heading in the same direction.  All the seats look the same. We all smell the same bus smell.  And then I can walk to the front of the bus, kick open the door, and jump out.  Be gone, Social Media Bus.  Be gone.

Let's start with why I'm fed up with Facebook:

The people are primarily the reason.  However, I understand that Facebook has given people these options and tools, and people are relentlessly using them.

• Why can we hashtag now?  The things I see on Facebook annoy me enough as is.  Now you're going to let people hashtag that stuff, and then what?  Is it going to trend?  Is it all going to pop up even more because it's trending?  Is your baby bump going to start trending?!
• The ads.  I always get ads for ski equipment, running shoes, hiking, cleanses, vegan sites.  I get it.  I'm white.
• Telling me to get someone a gift for every occasion.  Why don't you think I've already done this, or why do you think I want to do this?  Leave me alone.  Not everyone gets a gift and 90% of the people I don't even really know.
• Your political rants make me apathetic.
• Now you can tell me how you're feeling with an emoticon and some gray text.  Because your own words just aren't enough.

Solution: Hide everyone on Facebook.

LinkdIn, Google+ and MySpace:

I can't complain about these because, though I have accounts, I have no idea what goes on over there.  I guess I'm fed up with you for not being very useful or appealing.

Back of the bus.

Solution: Read the About Us section for these sites.  If no About Us section, delete accounts.

Pinterest:

http://lovenotherblogs.blogspot.com/2013/05/pinterest-aint-nobody-got-time-for-that.html

Solution: There is none.  Your other outlet is to start hoarding craft and fitness magazines.  Don't do that.  Keep your hoarding on a virtual level.

Vine:

What are they, like six second videos?  It makes me nauseous.  The videos are shaky or they are so choppy I feel like I'm standing under a strobe light.  Some people abuse it and post a video of every thing.  Every.  Thing.  I don't care what shoes you are wearing or seeing those shoes walk on the generic tile at Wal Mart.  

I mean, I get it: you want to share what's going on right this very second and no other social media app lets you do this.  You have to upload previously recorded videos for every other app.  Nothing was ever in "Real Time" until Vine.

But wait...

Solution: Instagram.

Instagram:

From my understanding, Instagram was bought by The Zuck.  If you put a "The" in front of something, it makes it more intimidating.  I'm talking about Mark Zuckerberg so you can understand why he needs a "The" in front of his name.

'Sup Brah

Instagram's first problem is that it's the property of Facebook.  Instagram's second problem is that it's the property of Facebook.  That means it's going to make irrelevant changes and the app will suddenly be the worst mobile app out there, next to the Facebook app.

Instagram's third problem is now they've incorporated video.  They looked Vine straight in the eyes and said, "You're going down."  I think it's incredibly rude.  Vine died yesterday.  Vine just became MySpace to Instagram's Facebook.  How hip and savvy am I?  Instagram video is great, because if there's one thing photography needs, it's for it not to be photography.

Before I talk about the People of Instagram, I know that I took a picture of a jar of peanut butter and felt the need to share that with people.  Don't come at me, brah.

Instagram's fourth problem is, as you can guess, the people using Instagram.

• You've got your selfie takers.
• Inspirational quoters and nothing but -- because Instagram is where I go for inspiration.
• Book writers to describe every picture.
• People who write nothing and leave me wondering "What the..?!"
• People who use the Kelvin filter.
• Excessive hashtaggers.  Hashtag your hashtag.
• People who don't @reply you in conversation.
• Foodstagrammers.
• Lurkers who never post a photo but like every photo you post.
• This is not Facebook this is Instagram people, who post 40 consecutive photos that are different variations of the same group of people.  Put that on Facebook in an album, or print that stuff out and make a flip book out of it.

Solution: Take a photography and etiquette class.

Twitter:

I love Twitter.

Solution: Doesn't need one.

As you can see, I'm mostly fed up with Facebook and Instagram, which is probably because they are Zuckers.  

I want social media to be what I believe it was set out to be.  A place where I can attempt to keep in touch with people who I really don't want to see if I don't have to, so that's why we have the internet.  

And this...plus my boss making fun of my snack.

Don't mind me, I'm just going to post this to my Facebook and Twitter, possibly take a screenshot for Instagram