Parenting Gone Awry

It is very well known that I am not kid friendly.  I have not been child-proofed.  I don't come with socket covers, corner covers, toilet seat latches, and I'm definitely not stain resistant.  Children overwhelm me.  Keep your hands to yourself and no one will get shocked.

I like kids; I really do.  I like other people's kids a lot.  If a child gets handed over to me, I can hand them back when I'm done.  To me, kids are like rubik's cubes - you play with them and when they won't line up and get orderly, you hand them back to their owner.

That was harsh.  As a woman, I definitely have my moments where I think about one day having children, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I am.  I love my nieces and nephew.  My friends' kids are great, but I am not sure I have the "motherly instincts" to have children.  God doesn't make everyone parent material.

I have a mental list of the reasons why I may not be a mother one day.  See the word "may" in that last sentence.  There's hope.  I'd say I'm about 75/25 on the becoming a parent issue.  I'm not going to write out my list of reasons, I am just going to give you one of my top five reasons (I had to do research):

Children's TV Shows.

What the hell is that?

Children's television is so scary that it gets put in Helvetica.  That means it's serious.

If you haven't seen a children's TV show recently - don't.  You will not be the same when you finish.

Because I want to warn you, I am going to supply you guys with the Top 8 Creepiest Children's TV Shows.


If you cannot make it through this blog because you find yourself in fear of not only the shows, but the children who watch these shows, I understand.  I myself am frightened by the parents who find these shows OK for their children to watch.  I was going to do Top 10, but there's just no way.  I don't have the stamina.


8.  Max and Ruby

I understand this seems harmless.  What's a better story than sweet brother and sister bunnies taking care of each other because apparently they have been abandoned by their parents.  Seriously.  First off, Max only speaks in one word sentences - "Cookies."  "Tree."  I'm glad our future generations are learning proper speech techniques.  Second, Ruby is a punk.  I would have used another word, but these are children's shows we're talking about damn it!  Max is a passive-aggressive two-year-old bunny that gets bossed around by his eight-year-old sister.  She's eight!  Here's a typical episode: Ruby tells Max they are going to the store to buy Max a new pair of overalls because he is a slob and ruined his old pair.  When they get to the store, she tells Max he can't try on an awesome dragon t-shirt, because they only have enough money for overalls.  Ruby then immediately proceeds to try on three  dresses while Max has to sit and watch.  She even asks him how she looks in each one.  Fed up, Max wanders off, puts on a dragon t-shirt from the rack, and gets ice cream all over it.  Ruby is then forced to purchase the dragon t-shirt for Max.  Well-played, Max; well-played.

7. The Backyardigans

This creepy CGI cartoon is one of Nick Jr.'s most popular shows. It features five creatures: a moose, a penguin, a hippo, a kangaroo, and what might possibly be an alien. The premise is these colorful little critters have a connecting backyard.  They go in the backyard and get into imaginative, musical adventures (ala Muppet Babies and Rugrats) where the backyard is turned into a desert, space, black hole, you name it.  I  guess the most disturbing thing is the CGI itself. There's nothing really wrong with it, but my stomach turns when I look at them.

6. Higglytown Heroes

I dare you to watch this show and come out alive.  Alright, you'll live but your life will be flooded with nightmares.  The premise of this show scares the bajeezus out of me, and I want it off the air immediately. It's about a group of four friends and a squirrel, all of whom also happen to be Russian nesting dolls, Матрёшка.  We all know I love the Russians, but not at this juncture.  Only in the show, they're living, breathing creatures. Yet they still nest when they have to go someplace. First the crew cut kid opens up at the belly, and the squirrel climbs in, then the black girl does the same, all the way to the fat blonde kid who is in charge of taking them wherever they want to go.  I guess it's dumb luck that this particular group of friends all happen to stack perfectly with one another. What if the fat kid decides he doesn't want to let the others out? How long can they live broken apart like that?  That's a rhetorical question, but I can't help but ask.

5. Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

All I want to know: Is Wubbzy a boy or a girl?  It doesn't really matter.  I just need some sort of clarification.  

4. Teletubbies

What kind of red-blooded American would I be if I didn't mention Teletubbies?  If this were 1997, this show would be number one. Who by now doesn't know about the adventures of Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po? Who hasn't heard about the Tinky Winky purse scandal, where he was accused of being an evil, subversive homosexual teletubby out to turn your children gay?  This show is still a regular on the PBS kid's lineup.  What exactly are the teletubbies? Who is that voice on the mysterious megaphones that pop up out of the ground? Why do they worship the sun with the baby trapped inside? And why, exactly are these creatures so intent on spying on your children?

3. LazyTown

There is nothing right about this image.  First time I scrolled across this show, I had to avert my eyes.  It is creepy.  I don't know the premise and I didn't stick around long enough to figure it out.  I don't know if these kids are real or puppets or real kids wearing rubber faces.  And what's with the token black kid looking like Wilma Flinstone meets Mrs. Jetson?  If you've ever heard of the phrase "uncanny valley" and want to introduce your children to it, have them watch this show.


2.  Oobi

For the love of cake, holy bananas, a gosh dang, what is that?  That's an image that will haunt you for years to come.  Oh my word, I cannot believe this is a show.  An actual television show.  Production and money goes into this.  That's it.  That's Oobi.  He's the main character.  Oobi's got a sister, a grandpa, some friends, etc.  Every character is a hand with googly eyes on it.  To make this even weirder, no one talks in complete sentences.  It's this broken-down baby talk: "Oobi, you, friends!" or, "Oobi hold baby?"  There was an episode where Oobi takes care of a real puppy, and the look of unmitigated terror on this dog's face while some dude's hand gave him a "bath" was hard to watch.

1. Boohbah

I want to take the creator of this store, put him on the kid's toy aisle at Toys R Us and press every Boohbah toy.  I think he will rethink his decision in creating this nightmare of a show.  What the hell is this baby head in a peeps costume with legs doing?  Or is that sheepskin?  Boohbah is the fecal matter of a Teletubby.  Every generation has their own string of educational shows.  Once the Teletubbies got a little weird, we were given BoohBah.  Boohbah is what happens if no one regulates the weirdness.  

The Facts:

20% of Boohbah is watched by children between the ages of 3 and 5. 

80% of Boohbah is watched by stoners looking for something to watch on YouTube. 

99% of Boohbah's screenplay was taken directly from the CIA's transcripts of people on LSD during experimentation.

Most wait until they're teenagers to start experimenting with drugs, but apparently the creators of Boohbah decided your kids should know what they're like before they even turn four by creating the trippiest children's show in history.
Sure, lots of kids shows are also appealing to stoners, but when the creators of Boohbah came together they only had one thing in mind: "let's see how much money we can make while putting these kids through an acid trip". The formula for Boohbah is quite simple: add one part LSD, one part Teletubbies, one part educational value and you get Boohbah.

I'm kidding about the educational value.  This show doesn't teach jack.

But, you can do this with Boohbah:

Soulja Boy Tell'Em...Watch them hit their bird walk.

If you're a parent, and any of this material offends you or you disagree, I apologize.  Comments are welcome but will not get replied to.