Get In Line

According to popular belief and the social norm, online dating is the way to go.  It is almost 2012 and no one wants to be in situations where they meet someone, become friends with them and then possibly start a relationship.  No.  People want screen names, text, pictures and vague emails.  It is easier to reject and be rejected via email.

I don't know the success rate of online dating turning into relationships turning into marriage.  Match.com commercials tell me it's 20% and I never keep the commercial on long enough to hear what the gray-haired eHarmony guy has to say.  Apparently that gray-haired guy thinks I need to hear what he has to say because I get emails from his site.  I've never once had an eHarmony profile.

I'm not going to be dishonest with you.  I had a profile on a dating site.  I had it for approximately two weeks - moons ago.  After about two weeks of 98% agony, I hid that thing.  Two months ago, I gave my friend Randi my username and guessed on the password for it and let her live vicariously through me.  She just browsed and clicked around.  The rule was to not talk to anyone.  We then hid the profile after another two weeks.

I don't know what it's like for guys on dating sites.  Imagine it's a pain in the ass because they have to do some 90% of the initiating.  I did not initiate one single conversation while on that site.  Honestly, I only replied to one guy.  Only one guy didn't freak me out.  God Bless the one guy.  Guys, I apologize for all women out there and our inability to initiate conversation.  It's the damsel in distress act.  It's BS.  Girls, take the fantasy tiara off of your head.

I Digress.

I remember a lot of the messages I received, and it damn-near surprised me what some of these guys said.  A looker like myself can't really expect much less, can I?  Find the sarcasm in that.

If I were in a bar, at a restaurant, walking a dog at the park, hanging out with friends - coming to me and saying, "Hey, what's up?  How are you?"  - Might be acceptable.

If you send a message on a dating site that says, "Hey, what's up?  How are you?"  - Don't expect a response.

If I were in a bar, at a restaurant, walking a dog at the park, hanging out with friends - coming up to me and saying "I would wrestle a grizzly bear just to see you smile."  - Would not be acceptable.

If you send me a message on a dating site that says "I would wrestle a grizzly bear just to see you smile"  - Don't expect a response.

If you say to me in person or send me a message on a dating site "I have a weakness for redheads" - Get in line.

If you say to me in person or send me a message on a dating site "You're hot" - Get in line.

If you send me a message on a dating site saying "I love you.  I want to marry you." - You're blocked; now get in line.

98% of the guys who contacted me were laughable.  It makes me wonder what they would be like in a public, social, face-to-face situation.  Would you tell someone "You're 24, 25 is just around the corner, and I want to be with you when you get there"?  Because some dude messaged me that.

There has to be some kind of online dating etiquette.  I don't even want to know what 98% of the small amount of girls who initiate conversation have to say.

I'm saying all of this to advise those of you out there on dating sites to have some sort of social etiquette. Guys, don't freak a girl out.  Here's what I'm going to lay out for you:

Tips for men who like women: Online dating etiquette

1. Let's start at the beginning. Choose your screen name wisely. We're not favorably impressed with the likes of what BeachBum876, or 6FootSwell has to offer. We've worked hard to have a successful career and expect the same from the men we date. We're skeptical that SuccessfulRichDude is anything but a dude. Romantic_Dreamer makes you sound like a sap. Nothing about those names is encouraging.

2. The women tend to get bombarded on these services, due to the male female ratio balancing clearly in favor of those with boobs. Don't expect a response. Similarly, don't write your life story on the first email. We're sorting through tons of emails. Respect our time.

3. Equally bad are first emails containing questions that would require us to write a novel in order to adequately answer it:

Tell me all about yourself. Cheers,Bob

Isn't that the purpose of the essay section in our profiles? Better to ask something specific like, "do you have herpes?" or "didn't we have a one night stand back in '92?"

4. If the woman specifies she's looking for someone between the ages of 30-40 and you are just shy of 23 - she's not interested. Similarly, if she wants a black man, and you are white - you aren't going to be the one to change her preference. If you are gay, don't contact a woman no matter how much you the love the handbag she's carrying in the photo. She probably won't have a child for you and your partner no matter how nicely you ask.

Trust me. Read what the woman took the time to write and then look in the mirror.

5. Don't contact us if you don't have a clear photo. If you don't want to post it for fear the cops will finally track you down and get you for all those missed child and spousal support payments then send it to us via email. Sounds complicated, I know. That means you'll have to send two emails with match.com. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.

6. Don't write a poem in your "about me" section. Don't write a poem in the "about your ideal woman" section. And don't, under any circumstance write one in the first email you send your prospective mate.

7. Spelling still counts. Grammar will get you everywhere.

8. Don't send the same stock email to every woman. We often sign up for these things with our friends. We talk. A lot.

9. If she says, let's get together Thursday and you don't hear from her she's not interested. It sucks, I know but so does the email saying "I don't think we're a match."

10. Which leads me to perhaps the most important one. If we say it's not a match, don't send emails telling us we're a bad person for not feeling the chemistry with you. That only makes us more confident that we made the right decision.

I know this all sounds unfair. But there was a point in our lives when you were in control. Remember all the times in college when you'd have sex with a girl and then never call her again? Or the times you slept with your girlfriend's sister, roommate or mother? And then told all your buddies about every last detail? Or video taped your bedroom acrobatics without telling her?  For you guys that didn't do any of these things, I apologize.

Online dating is karmic payback for your gender. For now anyway, the women are in the driver's seat.

Oh and if you follow all the rules and meet a woman, try to shower and look presentable for your date. It really sucks for us to have to tell our friends, "he was nice but he kind of smelled funny."

You're welcome.