It's a rare occasion, at least in my case because my mother is married (to my father, crazy), that we talk about who we don't want our mothers to date. And sadly, we never talk about the fictional characters we don't want our mothers to date. These are things that need to be addressed!
So here you go:
The 10 Fictional Characters You Don't Want Your Mom To Date.
10. A Stormtrooper
If you are one to wear a Stormtrooper uniform, costume whatever, all day, you're probably also one to sit around in your underwear during your downtime watching TV. But you'll do this, sitting on your couch with an overwhelming amount of jock itch while eating your last bowl of Fruit Loops. Not cool. Now, as my mother's daughter, I don't want to come home to my mother's half-naked Stormtrooper boyfriend.
9. Ned Flanders
Do you really want Ned Flanders hi-diddly-doing your mom? I hi-diddly don't.
8. Barney Stinson
At first you’ll be all like, OMG it’s Barney from HIMYM, he’s SO awesome. Then his catchphrases will start to seem not so funny. Just picture entering a dark house and hearing Barney say ‘wait for it… wait for it!”, followed by your mom excitedly squealing “Legendary!”. This is why it’s always important to yell “Suit up!” before turning the lights on.
7. Severus Snape
Hey, you read all the books, so he’s gonna have to try really hard to convince you that he likes anyone’s kids. Unfortunately his idea of winning you over will include things like scoring you two front row tickets to see Nickelback. I’d rather be Aveda Kedavra-ed!
6. He-Man
At first it will seem like a dream come true… dating a prince and sleepovers at Castle Greyskull? WHAT?!?! But her dream will soon turn into a nightmare when he gets all Battle Cat on her after she catches him drunk-dialing Skeletor wearing nothing but his loincloth.
5. Donkey Kong
At first you will be super-stoked to hear all his juicy Nintendo gossip, including an amazing story about how Mario used to trick girls into letting him Donkey Kong them. Then you get into an argument with him about how annoying Princess Peach’s voice is and he throws his poo at you. Not worth it.
4. Cupid
It would just creep you out too much to know your mom is attracted to someone who wears big boy pull-ups.
3. Megatron
Your mom heavy petting with 200 tons of metal will bring new meaning to the words ‘squeaky bed springs’. And take my advice, if she does date him and you catch her dressed as Optimus Prime one morning… don’t ask!
2. Satan From South Park
Bad habits that you will hate include impaling your friends on stalagmites and peeing in the sink. Fact that will bring you immense shame… your mom is dating Saddam Hussein’s sloppy seconds.
1. Lieutenant Dangle
Sure it sounds like fun. I mean who wouldn't want their mom dating a cop? He could get you out of speeding tickets. Not to mention you could go and get your legs waxed together, and oogle over the same guys. But after he moves in he's gonna start bringing strange men home and putting the moves on your boyfriend when you're not in the room. Not so fast Dangle!
I must say, you compiled quite the list here.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd be cool with Barney tho.
You could've summed most of these up with "he's gay".
ReplyDeleteWhy do you write so well? I wanted to bust out laughing at some of this nonsense but refrained myself because I've been trying to avoid the bathroom. If I would have laughed, I might have peed myself and I wanted to finish your list before I did that.
ReplyDelete