What Do You Mean "Marriage Isn't For Me"?

Let me start with this: Daylight savings time has ended. If you're going to run after 5:00 pm, get it together. At 5:40 yesterday evening, I almost hit a woman running on Shiloh because I couldn't see her. The only thing she was doing right was running against the traffic. Get it together, people. Why are you running on a busy road, at a busy time of day, in the rain, that has no shoulder?

Eminem's new album was released yesterday. It's been a few years since Marshall and I have seen each other, but I'm digging this. It's good Wednesday music, that's for sure.

That's not what this is about obviously. However, I'm not ashamed of my undying love and attraction to Marshall Mathers, but marriage is not for the two of us.

I Digress.

If you've been living under a rock and your smartphone didn't get any kind of service there, you may not be aware of a blog post titled "Marriage Isn't For Me." I saw it a few days ago on Facebook and I didn't read it it. Then on my drive to work Monday morning, J-Si on Kidd Kraddick was reading it. That's when I realized it's not about a guy who wants to be single for the rest of his life. I only listened to part of it before changing the station.

I avoided reading it at all costs because the majority of people I noticed sharing this blog were women in long-term (and short-term) relationships. I took it as women trying to tell their boyfriends something without actually having to say it. Chances of him reading anything you post on Facebook are one in a million. (So you're saying there's a chance.) Then it was on the Today Show. Then I read it. Not because I'm a Today Show advocate, but because I had to know what everyone was talking about.

I'm a 27-year-old single, never been married woman. I lived with a guy once. That's about as much real-life experience I have on marriage. What kind of insight could I provide?

I'm sure Seth Adam Smith (the dude who wrote it) is a really nice guy. If you look at his website, you'll see that he's an earnest, freshly-scrubbed All-American handsome guy who seems to have this intense desire to be a good man. It's a combination of "winning" qualities. It will probably take him far in life.

But, jeez, I cannot stand this blog post. You've probably read it, saw the title of it, scanned it, something. It's been applauded as a font of wisdom of what marriage should be.

Only: It's not.

The story behind the blog is Smith and his wife have been married for less than two years. They got into a fight and it led him to realize that he was being selfish within the marriage. It made him reflect on the advice his father gave him the night before his wedding:

With an all-knowing smile he said, "Seth, you're being selfish. So I'm going to make this really simple: Marriage isn't for you. You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself, you're marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn't for you. It' not about you. Marriage is about the person you married."

Ick.

No, that's not fair. Smith is offering up sincerity and my sap-o-meter is interfering. Let's try this again: What's appealing about this advice, and Smith's ruminations about it, is that it's very nearly right. Certainly, you shouldn't expect to get married and then live your life selfishly, as though you owe your partner nothing.

Neither should you abase yourself to your partner -- marriage is not the Borg (Resistance is Futile!). You shouldn't have to strip away your own identity and ambitions and even thoughts of happiness to share a life and family with the person of God's choosing. (You see that? God's choosing.) Smith describes that you can find your fulfillment in marriage only through an act of self-destruction. That sounds uninviting to me.

Understand: I am obviously not an expert on the institution of marriage. I also don't want these words to get in the way of people persuaded by Smith to work harder and be better in their relationships (because it starts as a relationship and goes into a marriage). Also, know that discussing your marriage for public consumption is an invitation for trouble. I also get that he might be saying: Marry to make your partner happy and their happiness will make you happy.

But that's not how it should work.

A good relationship is about you caring for your partner’s needs and making compromises for the bigger picture. A good relationship (with anyone; friends, partners, family) is about not being the most selfish person in the room. That said, the only way you can enter any partnership capable of being a decent companion is if you come to the relationship a whole and complete person. Remember, your partner can't make you whole. You cannot be a force of happiness in someone else's life if you don’t extend that courtesy to yourself.

This could be entirely wrong. And I'm OK with that.