I'm liking everyone's priorities.
So Valentine's Day is this coming Tuesday, right? I'm not one of those people who celebrates V-Day but I'm also not one of those people who refers to it as D-Day and walks around sulking and pissed off. I have other emotions I'd like to express.
For all of you guys who celebrate Valentine's Day: Congratulations.
For all of you guys who don't celebrate Valentine's Day: Congratulations.
For all of you guys pretending to be pissed off because Valentine's Day is a made up "holiday" so corporations can make an extra dime but really you're pissed because you're single: Get over it.
This blog isn't for the last demographic, so hurry along now. This blog is really for those who celebrate this special day of flowers, chocolate, nice dinner, and accidental conception. I'm here to help you guys fulfill all of those dreams.
Want to woo that special someone? Make them a mix-tape. You think I'm joking. I'm not. Holla! Mix-tapes are epic and if you really put it on a tape, it's even better. It's only even better if you show up with a tape player. Even more amazing would be if you record songs off of a radio station and catch a little bit of the DJ or a commercial before or after the song. Amazing. That's love.
No, but really, music - We all have our tastes. If you want to woo me and make me a total wreck at the same time, you just play anything by Ray LaMontagne and I'm yours.
It's that easy.
I'm not going to tell you what to play but I am going to tell you what not to play.
Starland Vocal Band - "Afternoon Delight"
- Unless you're Ron Burgandy, this is not going to work. Talk about some seriously obvious wordplay.
N'Sync - "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You."
- 98% of love songs coming from boy bands can be classified as bad, but this one takes the cake. And I love some N'Sync. I'm not afraid to admit this. This song goes down as the worst love song by a boy band.
Seal - "Kiss From A Rose."
- Yeah, I said it. I love this song because I love to sing it at the top of my lungs. A closer listen to the lyrics of this song reminds us how nauseating Seal's love is.
The Police - "Every Breath You Take."
- Play this and your lover will know you Facebook stalk them. Best. Stalker. Song. Ever.
Eddie Murphy - "Put Your Mouth On Me."
- You can't make this stuff up. Fantastically crude, even for 1989. The success from playing this song really depends on the kind of person you're dating, I guess.
James Blunt - "You're Beautiful."
- Whiny and repetitive. I think some of you might already have enough of that in your relationships...
Celine Dion - "My Heart Will Go On."
- If Celine Dion didn't ruin this song, "Titanic' certainly did.
Captain & Tennille - "Muskrat Love."
- This is a song about the ugliest creatures on Earth sung by a woman with terrible hair and a man (who obviously can't speak) wearing a captain's hat.
Bette Midler - "Wind Beneath My Wings."
- Soaked in the sappiest of lyrics and weird pitch changes. I can't handle it.
Paul Anka - "Having My Baby."
- Just. Don't. Do. It.
And when all is said and done, put on "When Harry met Sally" - VHS. You'll be golden.
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