How I Feel About The Doctor

The doctor.  I have much respect for doctors, especially doctors that have to see me.  I flinch. I can't sit still.  I can't stop talking.  I like to refer to medical equipment by more soothing names: PET Scan - Donut Scan.  I like to believe the cuff checking my blood pressure is really measuring the circumference of my oh so muscular arm.  Nothing good comes from a stethoscope; I don't care if you breathe on it or not beforehand.  I still find it uncomfortable. They shine a light in my eyes to test my supernatural powers of X-Ray vision.

Doctors, in my humble opinion, are just winging it like the rest of us.  I couldn't do it, that's for sure.  I could totally do the:

• Everything looks great!  See you in six months, jazz hands!  (I've never had a doctor say jazz hands, but a girl can dream.)
• Congratulations, you're pregnant!  (Assuming they wanted this.)

I don't know if I could do the:

• I'm sorry...
• Your scans are normal but...
• So, you're going to have a baby...(Assuming this is a not so good surprise.)
• Pneumonia
• Strep
• Flu

Just a vat of bad news.

Generally speaking, when in the presence of a doctor, I make this face:

Because I don't know what the heck is going on, even when I'm supposed to know.  Usually after the opening line of a diagnosis or non-diagnosis, doctors start to sound like the adults from Peanuts.  Or like the boss on Office Space.  Yeah...

I firmly believe you leave the doctor feeling one of three ways:

1. Worse off than you did before you walked in there.
2. The same as you did before you walked in there.
3. Even better than you did before you walked in there.  Jazz hands!

Seriously, if nurses and doctors started doing jazz hands, patients would be in much better moods.

The absolute best is when your doctor looks like Doogie Howser.  It's not comforting, but it's fun to talk about later.

If your doctor looks like Doogie, this is a fine example of "don't judge a book by its cover." He's a genius, or he's just a normal doctor that shaved this morning.  

"A physician searches others for signs of illness and disease.  A human being searches others for signs of himself.  Humanity is a profession we all share."  - Doogie Howser. October 10, 1992.

I totally googled that.

Oh yeah, how I feel about the doctor.  Well, like the rest, or the majority, of the world I don't like it.  Generally speaking, it's cold.  Everything about the doctor is cold:

• The rooms.
• Any and all tables you have to sit or lie down on are cold.
• The stethoscope!
• Their hands.
• Sometimes, their words.
• Paper-like gowns that are provided.

Cold.

Other than that, it's OK.  All this said, I'm preaching to you guys to go to the doctor every once in a while.  It's scarier to not go than to go, in the long run.  Some of us already have to go on a regular basis, some of us don't.  God only gave you one body.  Respect the Man who gave it to you and take care of it as best you can.

Now, if my doctor was grown up Doogie Howser, AKA - Neil Patrick Harris...

Gay or straight, I wouldn't care if his hands were cold.

Back to work.