Why Simba Is the Coolest Character Ever.

Saturday night, I'm 25 years old, and I'm sitting at home watching The Lion King.  The only logical explanation for this is that I'm sick.  I'm also not ashamed because this is one of the greatest movies of all time.  The premise of this movie, if you for some ungodly reason have not seen it, goes like this:

The Pride Land is ruled by Mufasa who has a son named Simba.  Now, Mufasa has a rat bastard of a brother and his name is Scar.  He's a whiny rat bastard and there's no other way to to put that.  Scar wants to be king, but sorry about your bad luck dude, Simba is officially next in line to the throne.  Scar organizes a stampede and Simba is about to get stomped so Scar has Mufasa go save him.  This leads to the saddest moment to ever occur in the history of Disney - Mufasa dies.  Scar tells Simba it's his fault, Simba runs away.

Then it becomes heroic because some time period later, Simba goes back to the Pride Land, but not before he yells up at the sky "You said you'd always be there for me!"  Once he gets it out of his system, he like murders his uncle and takes over the Pride Land.  Oh, and he gets his girlfriend Nala knocked up and then they have a baby and the "Circle of Life" continues.

So why is Simba the coolest character ever?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas. AKA: JTT
Any woman between the ages of 23 and 30 knows that JTT was the Teen Beat hunk of the early 1990s.  The only reason we watched Home Improvement was to see JTT.  You would be lying to me if say you didn't cry during the episode when Randy thought he had cancer.  I thought JTT was going to die and I cried.  Man of the House was one of Chevy Chase's worst movies, but we watched it for JTT.  My bedroom was covered from floor to ceiling with pictures of JTT.  So when we find out that JTT is the voice of young Simba, and he can sing like a little teen heart-throb angel, Simba became undeniably one of the best characters of all time.

He Obviously Does LSD.
The only explanation for this is that scene that he starts chasing Rafiki the baboon.  Only someone on LSD would believe a baboon that runs around singing something about a squash banana.  Simba also sees his father in the clouds and only someone on LSD would experience this.  I'm not knocking Simba, he probably got it from Timon.

He's Friends With A Warthog And A Meerkat.
You guys, Simba is a lion.  A lion.  He is supposed to eat warthogs and meerkats, but instead he sacrifices his love of red meat for friendship.  That is the ultimate sacrifice.  Timon and Pumbaa's lives were on the line when they took in little Simba.  Seriously, would you eat those guys?

Challenge Accepted!
What a badass.  He goes back to the Pride Land to kill his uncle.  Bad.  Ass.  He even sacrifices Timon in a hula skirt and Pumbaa with an apple in his mouth to the hyenas just so he can kill his uncle.  Scar ends up being eaten by hyenas.  That's the circle of life.

What A Lovely Singing Voice
Little Simba and big Simba both have lovely singing voices.  Majestic really.  Not only can he sing, he can sing, run, do flips and swim at the same time.  John Mayer can't even do that.

Matthew Broderick
This is when the movie became the greatest movie of all time and Simba became the coolest character ever. Matthew Broderick is the voice of older Simba.  I've had a crush on Matthew Broderick and his speaking and singing voice since 1986.  I was born in 1986.  I'm in love with Matthew Broderick, and the fact that he's married to Sarah Jessica Parker makes him even cooler.  I could listen to MB talk all day, so that means I can listen to Simba talk all day.  Simba is Ferris Bueller.  Simba is a Broadway Star.  Simba is Matthew Broderick and that's why Simba is the coolest character ever.